Hi, my name is Marshall, and I am a fan of stupid action movies. Vengeful cops and car chases, lunatic villains and martial arts masters, male bonding, gunfights and super secret agents, sword-swishing vampires, zombie soldiers and teenage freedom fighters, casual destruction, general death-defiance and, best of all, excessive force. Don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating real-life violence. I just want to see it up on the screen where it belongs. If you feel the same way, here's a list just for you.

	Blade: Trinity (2004) "Can we sign you up for one of our Nightstalkers' secret decoder rings?" Easy to see why Wesley Snipes wasn't happy with this third vampire-slaying extravaganza: he had to share the screen with another couple of slayers. Though they take some getting used to, tooled-up action chick Jessica Biel and street fighting, wise-cracking Ryan Reynolds add a welcome new flavour to the series. Together, our heroes battle Dracula as his forces plan their final solution for mankind, namely stuffing us all into jiffy bags. Not the best but definitely the most exciting of all three Blade movies, Trinity is packed with some awesome new hardware and so many exploding vampire effects you'll think it's Bonfire Night.
	xXx (2002) "I like anything fast enough to do something stupid in." In most respects this is a James Bond movie: elaborate action sequences, breathtaking international locations, beautiful girls, incredible gadgets. only instead of smart, suave 007, we have extreme sports dude XXX, endangering himself and, of course, others, as he hurtles from one violent encounter to the next. A glorious, cartoonish assault on our senses with a crazed, confident turn from Vin Diesel as XXX, a fearless adrenalin junkie hooked on videogames, showing off and killing. As stupid as it sounds, this is a movie for men with beer inside them, insanely entertaining and followed by a sequel, XXX2, which was almost as bonkers.
	Shaft (2000) "It's my duty to please that booty." Shaft returns in this wildly over-the-top action thriller starring Samuel L. Jackson as the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks. Frustrated by having to work within the system, Shaft quits the cops to bring racist killer Christian Bale to justice - his way. This includes beating up and occasionally shooting the guilty, driving recklessly, dressing to kill and, of course, pleasing the ladies. Richard Roundtree returns as the original Shaft, uncle to our current hero, ever ready to dispense cool advice. Sharply directed by John Singleton with some mad one-liners and stacks of action, this funky, funny, violent thriller will not let you down.
	Mortal Kombat (1995) "This is where you fall down." Adapting a videogame into a feature film rarely works, but here's a notable exception, a fitting live action tribute to the nastiest arcade 'beat 'em up' of the Nineties, a game complete with bloody finishing moves allowing players to rip their opponents heads off. Earth's greatest fighters compete in a martial arts tournament against super-powered villains bent on destroying the world. Surprisingly faithful to the spirit of the game, savage and fast though considerably less bloody, Mortal Kombat offers a minimum of plotting and pleasing excess of action, with one incredible fight scene after another, each one set against an ever changing backdrop of exotic locations. An enthusiastic cast, willing and able to perform their own stunts, is the icing on the cake.
	Universal Soldier (1992) "I just want to eat." Desperate to break out of B-movie bondage, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren joined forces to deliver a double dose of death and destruction in easily the most exciting and enjoyable feature that either has ever made. The boys play re-animated super soldiers, brought back from the dead for missions too deadly for the living. But while Van Damme's a friendly zombie, Dolph's a very bad boy indeed. Chances are, they're going to come to blows... A decent-sized budget gave director Roland Emmerich the opportunity to pump up the action scenes with some spectacular location work, a truck load of hardware, explosions a-plenty and an imaginative twist onto every car chase, shoot-'em-up and brutal one-on-one that the movie has to offer. Best of all, the movie refuses to take itself too seriously, with both leads cracking jokes, albeit in their own deadpan way.
	Rapid Fire (1992) "Don't fear the weapon. Fear the man." Brandon Lee's energetic performance in this brutal yet breezy martial arts flick looked likely to establish the son of Bruce as one of the most successful chop socky stars of the Nineties. Sadly we can only speculate as to how successful Lee might have been had he not died on the set of The Crow. Stepping out of his father's shadow, Lee proved more likeable, versatile and charismatic than most other action heroes of the day, while his remarkable fight choreography elevated what might have been an ordinary B-picture into something considerably more special. The story is simplicity itself: witnessing a mob hit, Lee spends the entire movie fending off the bad guys. A great, blokey, good time movie, with no meaning or message - just loads and loads of action.
	Road House (1989) "Pain don't hurt." As obnoxious an action flick as you're ever likely to find, Road House is a feature for guys who dig chicks in tight skirts, drink beer by the barrel and approve of violence without reason. Patrick Swayze is in full macho mode as professional bouncer Dalton, trained in philosophy and the martial arts, a strong, silent type who takes care of troublemakers in swanky night-spots and sews up his own cuts come closing time. He is, of course, the best, and just the man for the job of cleaning up a redneck road house called the Double Deuce, "the type of place where they sweep up the eyeballs after closing". A frantic mix of sex and violence with outrageous dialogue and ludicrous performances, Road House is almost too much fun.
	Big Trouble in Little China (1986) "Hey, I'm a reasonable guy. But I've just experienced some very unreasonable things." Do you like your pizza with everything on it, or are you strictly cheese and tomato? No stranger to cheese, but just as hungry for every other ingredient on the menu is director John Carpenter, here laying on a veritable smorgasbord of styles and genres, using a Chinese ghost story for a base and smothering it with wild chop socky action, broad slapstick comedy, monsters on the prowl, cliffhanging adventure, flashy special effects and a generous helping of ham as supplied by campy Kurt Russell as a swaggering John Wayne-type who takes on evil sorcerer James Hong. It's high energy stuff, this, bold and colourful, dumb and dumber, with a jokey screenplay that doesn't know when to stop and a director who refuses to put on the brakes.
	American Ninja (1985) "Four bodies to impress a girl was a heavy price, wasn't it?" The most efficient actioner ever churned out by low grade movie makers Cannon, American Ninja is a relentlessly exciting and endearingly shallow tale of heroes and the men they must slaughter. Michael Dudikoff leads the carnage as Joe, who, besides falling in love with the Colonel's daughter and obsessing over his forgotten past, thrills us to bits with his Ninja moves as he takes on an entire army trained in Ninjitsu, the secret art of assassination. As an actor and general screen presence, Dudikoff's a bit of a baby-faced lightweight, but boy, can he move. Strong, agile and quick as a flash, he guides us through an hour-and-a-half of cleverly choreographed, non-stop action, deliberately thrilling and accidentally comical.
	Red Dawn (1984) "You think you're so smart. You're just a bunch of scared kids." War. What is it good for? Movies. Taking a break from the heartache of teen romance, youthful rebellion, parents, homework and zits, The Brat Pack signed up for a tour of duty with reactionary director John Milius, kicking butt for Uncle Sam as they defend their homeland against an invading army of foreign stereotypes. Colorado school kids take up arms and fight for freedom after a shifty assortment of Russian, Cuban and Nicaraguan militia invade and occupy America. It could happen. And indeed it did to Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen and Lea Thompson. Spun around a strict formula alternating political tosh and violence with sentimental tosh and violence, this is predictably heroic, bloody stuff, hilarious too, and full of mad teenage moments both anguished and homicidal.

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