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 Few
pleasures in life are sweeter than a trip to the cinema, seeing a
great movie on a huge screen with a responsive audience who make you
feel part of a special, shared experience. In an ideal world,
anyway. The reality is that, nine screenings out of ten, something's
going to happen to spoil it for you. Though theatre seats are the
worst - old, cramped and badly sprung - cinema seating is often
torture, leaving you nowhere to put your arms, and no space for your
legs. As a film critic I've developed an achy right knee that
troubles me whenever I'm squeezed into stingy seating. Physical
comfort, or the lack of it, remains my best indicator as to whether
a cinema cares about its customers or is simply trying to cram as
many of us into an auditorium as possible.
Then there's the food. Don't get me wrong - I'm all in favour of
popcorn and fizzy drinks, but does it all have to be so noisy? Especially when
the cinema has a pick and mix, as those paper bags
you're forced to use rustle like thunder. And the smells aren't great, either. Who wants
the aroma of one of those awful hotdogs, all skin and bone and watery
mustard, sneaking up your nostrils and sticking there like
Napalm? 
Worst of all though
has to be other people. Though seeing a film with others can be
uniquely rewarding, with everyone screaming or laughing at the same
time, often it's just a huge pain in the neck. Though I get along
fine with folk on a one-to-one basis, collectively I have to say I'm
not that impressed with humanity. You know what I'm talking about.
People who make the effort to go to a movie and then do everything
but watch it. As I'm forced to endure another chattering couple or
group of lads chucking popcorn like confetti, I can't help but
wonder what they're doing there. Why spend money to see something
you then ignore? Unless the thrill for them is ruining it for the
rest of us.
And since we're British and generally quite
reserved, complaining about these troublemakers is not an option for
most people. We'd rather grin and bear it, maybe have a moan
afterwards, long after it would have done any good. Not me though. I
can't just sit there and do nothing. I've tried, but it doesn't
work. I've sat quietly, gritting my teeth while a girl behind me
talked to her partner without taking a break or lowering her voice,
waiting for someone else to intercede. But no one ever does. It's
like everyone knows I'm going to do it, so they don't have to
bother. So there I am, heart beating like a Stomp concert, forced to
turn in my seat and ask them to keep it down. First politely, then
insistently, then rudely and finally, if all else fails, I'll head
off in search of the manager, missing even more of the movie.
Whenever that happens, I demand my money back, and I always get it.
Why should I have to police their screens? Why can't ushers take on
a bit more responsibility?
By the time the movie ends, far
too often I'm left feeling frustrated and miserable, hardly the feel
good vibe I'm after. That's why, these days, I watch so many DVDs. I
still go to the cinema a lot, but I find it harder and harder to
relax there and enjoy myself. At home, I can put my feet up and have
a nice cup of tea, watch what I want exactly when I want, and not be
troubled by noise and nose pollution. And thanks to this digital age
in which we live, seeing a movie at home is no longer a low quality
alternative, as it was in the days of VHS. With the right set up,
your living room can be every bit as good - and often a great deal
better - than 90% of the cinemas out there. Most of the films I
watch in a week are at home on DVD. It certainly is a lot cheaper
that way. And with Blockbuster Online's help, I'm never short of
something to watch. Not while I have a pile of those little blue
envelopes nestling on my telly.
Maybe one day I'll have my own cinema, with
ejector seats as standard. The first sign of trouble, the roof'll
open up and - BOING! - up and out they'll go. Until that glorious
day, however, there's always Blockbuster Online. A far more reasonable
solution.
See you next week!
Marshall
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